What happens if your marriage is getting shaky?

Over a period of time a marriage can lose its luster. You and your wife seem to be drifting apart for no unforeseen reason. You may not even notice it yourself. A good friend may suggest it to you. Your wife may show the early stages of unhappiness. You no longer have those intimate moments. You hardly ever laugh together. You don’t ever go out together.

If you see any of these early warning signs in your marriage you had better take action to try corrective measures or you will lose the one you love.

You must give 100% attention to your marriage. The moment you don’t take your marriage seriously, you begin a process that will eventually lead to trouble.

A long time ago, when the man took home the bacon and the woman was there to cook it, she was reliant upon him. He took advantage of this and used her as his slave.

Now the story is different. Women have come full circle. They have become self-reliant and no longer need to be subservient. They have passion, love and needs and if they don’t get it in their marriage they will eventually find themselves searching for it outside of it. You must provide the spark and keep the fires lit or before you know it, that fire will be extinguished.

Women who make the decision to leave the marriage do so because over a period of time their partner who is supposed to be equal has not been keeping his part of the bargain. Remember, the focus must be on the word equal. She is not a slave and you are not the boss. Each partner must pull his/her own weight. This means not only in providing for the family, fixing the hinge on the door, mowing the lawn or the many chores that must be done around the home but it also means you must show her your love and respect and all of the little gestures that help to keep your marriage together.

These are all little suggestions that you may do over a period of time to help keep that fire burning. Some are as simple as bringing her home a single rose. I really like the suggestion to check online to see if her name is unused as a domain name. If it’s available, buy it and set up a simple Web page with some roses and declare your love for her. Once you have done that casually ask her if she has ever checked to see if her name has ever been used as a domain name. Watch the expression on her face when she discovers her site.

You will notice it is little gestures you make over an extended period of time that when put together spell out your love for her in no uncertain terms. That’s the type of action that will keep a marriage exciting and will see those anniversaries keep on going for years and years.

So what can a person do?

First I would suggest you plan a weekend for you and your wife to get away to somewhere you will have ample time to sit and talk. The last place you want to take her is to a casino, golf course or an active place where you will be quickly distracted. Talk about your past and how it once was between you both. Talk freely about your concerns. Talk about what she would like to see happen in your marriage. Talk like you once did when you first fell in love.

Take plenty of notes because you are really meeting like this is to map out a plan for your future. Find out what changes you must make to make her happy again. Tell her what changes you would like to see happen to make you happy. It’s important to take the blame for problems, even though she may be at fault as well. Remember, accuse someone and they will in all probability become defensive. When that occurs, a breakdown in the discussion will occur.

This is your opportunity to discover just what is bothering her. Why you believe the road to a happy marriage is beginning to get a little shaky. You must be very careful to not be accusatory because she no doubt has been stressed out by the situation.

Once you hear her concerns, it is going to be up to you to take stock of yourself. This is assuming you are both feeling that you are the reason for the problems. Don’t promise the sun and the stars. A meeting like this is to try to establish a plan of action. If you promise everything will change, you may not be able to fulfill that promise.

Let’s say you both decide you are not paying enough attention to her, helping around the house, neglecting the family, doing the landscaping, watching too much television, never taking your wife out for meals or shows, the list can go on and on. If it’s a long list, you will want to begin to address each complaint. Don’t try to correct everything at once. It will not work. Instead, stick your list up in the garage or if you are a computer buff, post it nearby. Place it where you cannot help but see it. Select one item a week and work on that problem. Force yourself to change. Get back into that routine you had long ago when things were working for you both. It’s amazing how, over a period of time, little things we once did can be tossed aside or simply slip by.

The role of the Marriage Counselor

Setting up a session with a marriage counselor is a serious step and you must both be convinced that it is a good step to take. If there is a reluctance with  one of the partners you should talk it out until there is agreement. The last thing you want to do is to sit with the counselor and begin to argue and bicker. Your visit should be one where you seek help to get the marriage back on an even keel. If you can’t agree to keep a civil tone during the session, your marriage is heading for the rocks. Egos must be left outdoors. You must be prepared to take the blame. It doesn’t matter who is at fault. This is not the time for finding someone to blame, it’s the time for fixing what is broken or at least badly damaged.

Sometimes you may elect to go online and consult with a counselor. There are a lot out there. This method may be a good way for the person who gets a feeling that something is wrong in the marriage and decides to try to figure it out without consulting with his wife. Or after discussing it with her, you both decide that consulting online is the more impersonal way to go.

What you are looking for is advice on how to get back on track. Professional advice certainly has its merits. Most have trained for many years and have counseled hundreds of couples who are in your same situation.

Another avenue of advice open to troubled marriages is through others who have been through the ropes themselves and most have met with success. There are hundreds of article-publishing Web sites online with millions of free articles available to the public. Sites like these contain great articles written by ordinary people like you and me who have gone through life and have experience as their teacher. Once you register you simply choose your category and garner whatever advice may be available.

Consider where divorce will get you

Half of all marriages in America end up in divorce. If you do the math, and assume that most divorcees will remarry again, you could reach an extremely high percentage of the adults in America that have married and divorced. What a crying shame!

What does this tell us about the truthfulness and lack of backbone of people today who swear solemn oaths before their family, friends and spouses and then toss the oaths aside as if they were a grocery list?

Think of the heartbreak that’s out there everywhere.  Women with children trying to carry on housekeeping without a loving husband. Men with children without the love and attention of a caring wife. Children with one parent, wondering why dad or mom cannot be right there to tuck them into bed and listen to the stories of their day.

Think of the financial hardships now on both parents as they try to make ends meet. A mother with children and perhaps less than half the income and a home to pay for. Half the income for daycare, transportation, food, clothing and everything else. The dad who must cope on half the budget. If he has the children, he has the same problem as the mom.

What about the social life gone awry. Both of you will now have to enter the single lifestyle at an age when youth is questionable. If your pending divorce decision is related to a fling, examine the real and true possibilities that the decision will bring. You may be doing yourselves a favor.

Think back to when you first met your wife. Try to recall all of the time it took to go through the courtship period, the engagement, the wedding and especially the time it took to really get to know each other. That probably took years. Think of the love you had for her as she cooked, cleaned, hugged, and loved you for what you were. Think of the children and the good times you had as a family.

Do you really want to throw all of this away?

All of this took a lot of work to establish. It created a lot of great times together. Why go through all of this again? Wouldn’t it be a lot easier and expedient to sit down without distraction and discuss how you can rekindle the love you must have had for each-other. Doesn’t that make sense to you?

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