Secrets. How they can ruin your marriage

Marriages can run into trouble when one of the partners resorts to keeping secrets from the other.  Secrets are generally kept due to an abusive relationship either physical or emotional. Perhaps we should take a look at some of the different reasons secrets can creep into the marriage.

•        The Secret as a form of Escapism. This type of secret may be the result of a boring or mundane marriage situation that you have little or no control over. You may feel trapped and look to a fantasy existence by creating a secret life that makes you feel relief from abuse or your deteriorating marriage relationship. The situation can last for a long time, years in fact, and you may find yourself in a secret affair that just might result in you breaking up your marriage. It is wise to face the reasons for the situation with your spouse and solve it before something may happen that you may regret.

•        The Secret as the Energy-Booster. This kind of secret is similar to the thrill some people feel by stealing and getting away with it. Problems in the relationship can lead to a spouse having an affair without love. It is done for the thrill. Gamblers generally do it for the surge of energy they experience similar to the alpine skier who rides the edge. I gave up alpine skiing because I felt the need to take the next turn faster and faster.

•        The Control Over You Secret. This is a deep-seated secret that sees a person keep a secret life on the side. They enjoy being in an intimate relationship knowing full well that their secret is a tool to gain power over the spouse. A New Jersey governor was happily married to a beautiful lady. They appeared to be the perfect couple. He finally came out of the closet and confessed to her and the public his homosexual relationship he had carried on for years.

The quest to keep secrets sometimes comes from a very young age as a need to protect oneself. When a child feels threatened by a situation he can’t control, he will retreat within himself. The same goes for an adult if they are in a relationship that is beyond their control.

In a marriage, your quest is to work with your wife to create a happy and safe environment where you are able to share life in a fantastic union as one. This takes a great deal of effort over a long term. It takes both of you to have high esteem and great communication. Love helps but there is a lot more to a making a marriage work. Here are a few promises you should make to each other every once in a while:

•        I will listen to you when you are telling me about your day.

•        I will speak to you with a civilized tongue.

•        I will discuss our problems in a meaningful dialogue.

•        I will communicate with you as my best friend.

•        I will tell you often how much I love you.

•        I will always tell you the truth and never keep a secret from you.

•        I will spend quality time with you as we are one and the same.

I read a recent article by a gentleman named Scott Saunders. He told how he was a work-at-home dad who had a wonderful wife and three children. His wife worked as a supervisor in a high stress situation in a company dominated by back-stabbing men who were attempting to curry favor with the higher-ups.

This resulted in the supervisor (his wife) having to deal with a staff who acted like a pack of babies. The result of this was Scott’s wife was a quiet type and would not complain to her bosses. She kept her pent-up emotions and anger to herself until she arrived home. In her safe environment she let these emotions out on Scott. He wanted to let them pass to keep peace and harmony in the family.

He found a unique method to do this, he used a mirror. He decided to tell someone how frustrating it was to hear his wife go on and on about her problems. Who was the best listener he knew? He was. So whenever he was alone he placed that little mirror in front of him and told himself of his frustrations. He found that once he got them off his chest he no longer had a need to tell anyone else. The problem would disappear.

He suggests that if you can’t get over the part of looking ridiculous talking to yourself inside a mirror then you should consider a rant journal. In it you write down your frustrations. Just let them pour out of your head as you write.

This is similar therapy you may experience when you get what you believe is a fantastic idea in your head. You may have it for a day or two buzzing around in your brain. Then you decide to tell someone or write it down and the whole idea begins to sound ridiculous.

You must learn to be a good listener

Being a good listener is almost an art in itself. We each have our lives to live. We get bombarded all day long with ideas and opinions. We then sit with our wives and for some reason we turn off the hearing. We let the television take over. We would rather hear about the war in Iraq, the story of the senator who was caught taking a bribe, or a thousand stories on CNN than we would listening to our own wives. They too have a life. They too have heard others all day long. Being a good listener is tougher than being a good talker.

One of the hardest parts of learning to listen is to forget about what you want to say. During the normal course of a two-person conversation, one speaks and the other listens. During the time the other person is talking a good listener is developing the next question to ask. A person who is not a good listener is waiting for him to stop talking so he can tell him another one of his thoughts.

Possibly the best interviewer alive today is Larry King

He has interviewed many thousands of people from every walk of life. From the every-day lady who sells shoes, to kings and presidents, he is the greatest listener. His questions are right on the mark. Can you remember him ever giving an opinion on any subject? Probably not, because he has become famous for his ability to ask questions and he listens for the answers. That is what it takes to be a good listener. His questions zero in on the subject in a way that we, the viewers, can identify with. All of his focus is on the guest. It is never on Larry. He has been a smashing success and it is all due to being a good listener.

The Rest of the Story

Now you know pretty well everything there is to know about Irma and me and our wonderful love for each other. We have shared the experience of 50 years of getting along and making our marriage work. These two sentences are so important to a successful marriage.

You will be happy to know Irma has regained her eyesight now that the cornea has come back to normal. Her hearing is now better than it has been for many years. Gradually she is emerging from the shell she entered and is communicating happily once again. Time is a great healer.

My wish is for you to enjoy your married life as Irma and I have enjoyed ours. Stick to it! Work at it! Fight for it! Love her forever. You will not go wrong.

The End